The Beverage Snob Begins

As often as I frequent coffee shops I'm surprised I don't walk away disappointed more often. And even if something does happen to leave me a little miffed, at least I have that delicious brew to cheer me up.

Today was a different story.

Now, let me begin by saying I do like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was new or wasn't feeling well of isn't a morning person or is on drugs, but the girl behind the counter at my local coffee shop this morning was out of it. Waaaay out. Maybe it's just a blonde thing.

So I went up and ordered a medium single-shot latte because I know that this place typically uses two shots of espresso in a medium and I need to watch my caffeine intake. Blonde Barista stares at me.

"You want a single shot?"

"Yes, please."

"Ok..." She gives me a funny look. "A single..."

"Yes, a single shot, as opposed to two."

So she went over to the espresso machine and started prepping my drink. Meantime, a woman who had purchased a cup of coffee right before me came up and asked where the sugar was. Blonde Barista pointed her to the shaker of raw sugar because, besidess honey and artificial crap, that's all this place has. The woman cheerfully says she'll try it.

"You know," I said, "I really like to put honey in my coffee instead of sugar."

Blonde Barista took this as a cue to start putting honey in my latte. (Tangent: As we beverage snobs know, milk, when properly steamed, has an inherent sweetness; therefore, a well-made latte should not need sweetener.)

"Not in my latte!" I exclaimed.

"Oh... You don't want honey?"

"No, I don't."

"I thought you said you wanted honey."

"No... That was more for the other woman's benefit. It was a statement."

"Oh..."

She went back to making my drink. By this time she could have made two or three lattes and there was a line forming behind me. Blonde Barista finally got the espresso in the cup and steamed her milk, which she then proceeded to slooowly spoon on top of the espresso. And then... she started playing with it, making circular motions in the milk with her spoon. Slooowly.

What the hell is she doing??! Is she trying to make latte art? Because if she is, she is way off. I mean, this coffee shop doesn't even steam their milk in such a way as to get good consistency for latte art. And even if they did, SPOONING the milk onto the espresso is not going to accomplish your goal.

Oh, and then she pulled out the cinnamon shaker. Why are you putting cinnamon on my latte? I wanted to scream. Cinnamon does not come on a latte, and if I had wanted it I would have asked for it or put it on myself. What if I was allergic? But I kept my mouth shut because if she didn't undeerstand the whole one-shot, no honey thing I didn't expect her to understand "no cinnamon" either.

Finally, FINALLY, five minutes later my latte was done... and it was in a porcelain cup.

"Um, I needed this to go," I said. Granted, I did not tell her this at the beginning, but she should have asked. And when I was a barista (oh, here we go...), if the customer didn't specify "here" or "to go" and we forgot to ask, we just automatically put the drink in a to-go cup.

"Just pour it into a paper cup," I said, because by now I was 10 to 15 minutes off schedule and needed to get to work. Besides, did I mention there was a long line behind me? Good luck, folks, this one's slow...

I'm not even going to elaborate on how she put two lids on my cup (two, two, two lids in one!) and how the opening of the lid(s) was on the seam of the cup, which spells drippy disaster. I have never begrudged someone a tip so much.

Normally I love this little shop even though they do steam their milk the - in my opinion - unprofessional "fool-proof" way, but this girl... If I see her in there again I am walking right back out.